Death Comes and Rests So Heavy

There is one way that I've always felt connected to nature - and that is through the cycle of life and death. Having worked for hospice for over a year, I came to believe that death is a meaningful part of our journey and I still believe that. As a Christian I also see that the cycle of life, death, and rebirth happens for us daily as we celebrate Easter throughout the year. I believe that no matter what one has done or who one has been, each new morning, each spring, provides possibility for new life and transformation.

All of that is fine but yesterday a good friend of mine died after a long struggle with cancer. My beliefs are hitting me smack dab in the face today. I didn't want him to die. It breaks my heart that he is gone. If I really believe in new life, what do I believe the next part of his journey to be? Unfortunately, this is not the post of answers. This is the post of mourning and sadness.

I'm writing this in this blog because I am feeling that getting outside may be a step in my process of grief. I'm feeling drawn to the sun and hoping that the scent and color of the lilacs out back might provide me some comfort. I have twice visited the Botanical Gardens in Des Moines with my friend Johnny and so I understand the beauty of nature to be an important part of our relationship. Perhaps the flowers that we saw together are in some way connected - as we are all connected - to the flowers I find in my yard.

I'm writing this before I go outside today because I so badly don't want to be wrong. I'm going out with a sense of hope that there is comfort in the color purple, that there is peace in the flowering tree. I'm going outside to say a little prayer for Johnny and his boys and his family. That wherever they are there will be comfort for them, too. That peace will be a part of their experience.

For now, death rests heavy on my heart. Goodbye my friend. May the earth welcome you home.

Let the Sun Shine

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson



I've picked a perfect first week for this project - the sun has been shining and the temps have been in the 70s. I've been outside every day - eating lunch and then taking a walk with a dear friend, paying bills, having a snack, flinging a frisbee with Andrew - all sorts of different activities. It only took a couple of days for me to realize that for this to be meaningful. I was going to have to encounter nature in some way when I was outside. Just sitting on the porch and paying bills feels similar to sitting on the sofa paying bills. Sitting on the porch and watching the lilacs bloom is something altogether different and infinitely more wonderful.

I'm also realizing that this experience is going to require patience which, as Emerson says, I can learn from nature herself. Things are not going to change dramatically for me. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and run outside, singing "Let the Sun Shine" while I spin in the grass in celebratory circles with arms out-flung and head thrown back. What I want from this is to find ways to integrate nature into my daily life in small but meaningful ways. And I want to get to know my surroundings a bit more.

I have been exploring my backyard and I'm finding out how beautiful and full of life it is. The lilacs, as I said, are blooming; the aspen are showing their leaves, the grass is lush. I have a bunny and some raccoons and a couple of squirrels. I have giant evergreen trees and lovely flowering bushes. Really, I'm blessed to live in such an amazing place and I've been taking it for granted. Even the flower bed that mom and I painstakingly worked to prepare for last summer I let get overgrown and is now full of weeds. There's a great place to spend some time outdoors if I would just give myself time to do it.

So, close to the end of the first week I am reporting some success. I've been patiently going outside and looking for the beauty around me. I've been appreciating new experiences and even my 10 year old son is into it. Now, when he wants to play outside with me and I say no he reminds me, lovingly, "you're supposed to be outside mom - remember?" Ah yes, a change is coming. Singing and dancing are sure to follow. Let the sun shine.

This is going to be harder than it looks.

Well. I haven't started my project and already I'm freaking out. In a subdued, quiet, internal sort of way. My life is full. When am I going to find time to do this outside thing? I need to get over my all or nothing thinking and remember my one-step-at-a-time goal. I'm doing this because, even though my life may seem full, it's not. I'm missing something amazing in my daily walk and that something is outside. In nature. Actually, nature itself.

Upon reflection I can see that I have completely shut out any idea that the great outdoors might have something to offer this wanderer. I think that what the indoors has to offer me is seclusion and comfort. Although many would say that I'm an extrovert, I am truly an introvert. I need alone-time so that I can get myself together, be comforted, regain strength, and just plain old feel like me. And I choose to take this me time inside. It's been this way for a long time.

But tomorrow starts a new chapter. My four goals for the month of May are:

1. Get outside already

I want to spend 10 minutes outside every day. Someone told me that my time outside needs to be spent looking at nature, quietly contemplating. But I don't think that's true - at least not yet. If I can get outside and read or journal or walk or ride bikes with Andrew - any of that is good enough for me and my goal. I'm also not going to get too frustrated if I miss a day here or there. Like Gretchin Rubin and "The Happiness Project", I am going to chart my progress - give myself a visual.

2. Read some Annie Dillard

I've always wanted to read something by Annie Dillard and here's my chance. Do you have a suggestion for an author I could read that would be connected to this project? Please share.

3. Plant something

I have two great planters full of dead, dried weeds. They were given to me by my mother about 5 years ago and held the most beautiful flowers. Now they sit in the back and look lonely and depressed (as much as a planter can). I'm going to pull them around to the front yard and plant something new and colorful in them. I think seeing them every time I come home will really cheer me. Of course, a sub-goal is to water them so that they stay alive as long as possible. This may be a challenge.

4. Blog

This blogging thing is new to me and I love it but I'm worried I may let it fall by the wayside. Part of this goal will, in June, include uploading pics from my outdoor adventures but I'm not there yet.

So there we have it. I'm still freaking out but ready nonetheless. Wish me luck.

Boulder Bolder

I don't quite live in Boulder but I live close enough to see it from my house. Living here in the Foothills brings a number of challenges to someone who doesn't like to be outdoors. I feel like, well, like an outsider. Here's a little bit of info: Boulder has won a number of awards: 2011 Best of Boulder "Tree City USA"; 2010 National Geographic "Top 10 Winter Towns"; "Best Quality of Life for Mid-Sized US Cities"; Tripadvisory.com "Top 25 Destinations in the US"; and, most pertinent to me: Men's Health 2010 "Healthiest Town in US"; Backpacker Magazine "The Best Cities to Raise an Outdoor Kid" 2009; and Forbes.com "America's Top 25 Towns to Live Well" 2009 (We were #1!).

Boulder has 300 days of sunshine a year. That's a lot of sun to miss by taking naps and generally staying inside.

Here are some things people say are great about Boulder: beautiful country, good social scene. good outdoor recreation, good climate, fresh air, flatirons, mountains, very active, hiking trails, great for foodies, close to skiing...it goes on and on...

And a couple of quotes: Boulder has "over the top-liberalism and extreme fitness" (well, it's good to fit in a least a little bit) and "recreating outdoors is the norm here, and it's in your face." So true.

But what about Louisville, my home town? Louisville won CNN/Money 2009 Best place to live - #1! One of the top 10 reasons for moving here? "The great outdoors". We have 30 miles of trails, 26 city parks, a rec center and great open space. Our population is 18,800 and we, too have all that great sun.

What to do with all this information? Well, it's time to get a little bolder in Boulder.

Living here and being an indoorsy woman has it's difficulties. (1) I never quite feel like I fit in, (2) I don't own the right hiking shoes (because I don't hike), (3) I don't carry the proper water bottle (I carry a 32 oz Diet Coke), (4) I'm not fit (probably because I never get outside - I understand the correlation) and (5) I don't shop at Athletica or Title Nine or even REI. I wish I did. But they seem to me to be outdoor clothing purveyors -and I never go outdoors.

The biggest thing is the feeling that I don't fit in. It's like everyone knows a secret and I'm totally left out. It's my own problem, I understand, but a problem in my life just the same. I feel no need to do what others do just to fit into the "in-crowd" but I have a feeling that this crowd knows something great that I'm missing, thus my new project.

All of this leads me to think that my new project will be good for me - set my feet more firmly in my community. Heck, I already drive the Subaru. I might as well jump in with both feet.

Get Outside Already!

I'm an indoor girl. It's one of my "things". I prefer to be safe and sound inside, out of the elements, whatever they may be. Sun, storm, cloud, clear - I stay inside through it all. I almost thought it was endearing until I was recently in Austin, TX and met some cool, outdoor type of people. People who inspired me to want to get outside. Yes, I'm not saying I'm inspired to get outside. Not yet. But I do want to want to. Really.

I found myself a couple of weeks ago, while having dinner with these cool people who love the outdoors, telling them the joke about how I don't like to be outside and then laughing it away like always. But, as I reflected on the moment, I realized that it makes me sad. I used to sit in my favorite chair and look out the window but I don't even do that anymore. I'm just inside. All the time.

Of course I walk outside to get here and there but, when given the choice, inside always wins.

So here's the deal.

I've decided to get outside. I'm going to go slow and try new things along the way. The blog is the first part of my process. In fact, if it weren't raining, I'd be outside typing. Oh well...

I'm reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchin Rubin and I'm inspired to do this right. I'm going to break up the next year into month-bites and give myself goals for each month. I'm starting May 1. I would start today but it's still so cold. I know. I'm in trouble.

I have high hopes for myself. As I take time to encounter the great outdoors I would love suggestions. How, when and where do you like to be outside? What would you suggest I try? Hiking? Dancing in the rain? Praying in the sun? I'm wanting to do it all.

I want this blog to be a place where I can discover more about myself and this strange quirk which keeps me closed in. I want this experience to open me up. To free me to be more connected to mama earth and all the beauty I know surrounds me. I want to live life abundantly. It's Easter. I believe in new life and I'm looking forward to living it.

So I guess, upon further reflection, I more than want to want to get outside. I want to get outside already!

Let's go!